Why We are Having Nervous Breakdowns

"I'm good enough, I'm rich enough, and doggone it, I deserve to have a nervous breakdown!"

Just now realizing that sinking your life savings into your Beanie Babies Collection might not be able to put your kids through college after all.

Nervous Affective Securities Disorder Affecting Quality-of-life, or NASDAQ, for short.

Elevators are running 20% slower than last year, increasing harmful "Girl from Ipanema" exposure.

Majority of Americans now expected to take supplemental insurance advice from talking ducks.

10 years ago: Your 5-year-old threatened to throw a tantrum at your office picnic.

Today: Your 15-year old threatened to buy out your company and have you downsized.

In your moms day, planning the wedding didn't require first preparing for the nationally televised thong-bikini competition.

Getting the exact wording just right for your Starbucks order so the barista doesn't get all snooty is soooooo emotionally draining.

Due to a factory mishap, Taco Bell products in several states did not contain the required dosage of Valium.

Can't handle the sexual tension between Matt Lauer and Katie Couric every morning.

Every night, the same dream: "I, George W. Bush, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of-- mmmm... execute."

Most Americans: aging steadily

Kool-Aid Man: waving his perpetual youth in our faces

Thanks to modern health care, moms are living longer, healthier, more interfering lives.

Despite our never-ending hope, that Silly Rabbit still hasn't gotten the Trix.

and the Number 1 Reason More Americans are Having Nervous Breakdowns...

Because the heightened levels of adrenal secretion caused by environmen-- HEY!!! Friggin' AOL disconnected me again!!