Daily Affirmations

* If I speak to people calmly and clearly, I can articulate my position -- especially if they can see the safety is off.

* On the journey of life I should stop and smell the roses and not forget that obviously the bastard feels bad about whatever he did.

* I can feel bad about clipping that old lady at the crosswalk with my car, or I can think, "hey, that old lady had lived long enough."

* I can forgive those who slight me and forget their past transgressions, but that doesn't mean I have to feel guilty about "keying" their car.

* The pain of falling off my bike helps me remember the license plate of the guy who laughed and drove away.

* Sometimes I think of people and their problems and I feel sad. Then I can always smile and think, hey, better them than me.

* I can forgive those that slight me and apologize, and I can still disable the primer mechanism under their car.

* People will believe I am confident in my successes if I keep the look of astonishment off my face.

* I can say no to drugs, but I should remember that it is considered rude to turn down other people's hospitality.

* I can feel bad about killing minks for their skin, or I can feel happy that I am not having mink roast for dinner.

* It is not the getting, it is the having that counts.

* Life is a journey and it helps to have a map.

* Hindsight may be 20/20, but it would be awfully hard to see out of your Levis.

* Killing minks for their fur is a bad thing, but getting laid for giving a fur coat is a good thing.

* Making a copy of a software package is not always stealing. Sometimes you need to make an off-site back-up in case the office were to burn down, or in case they fire me.

* Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the can and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and there dreams will be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true then be selfish and worry about my liver."

* I can feel bad about cheating on my spouse, or I can feel good about the love and happiness I spread around the city.

* If the police didn't see it, it didn't really happen.

* Bartenders get lonely, and just like grandma they like to have you stop by and see them every once in a while.

* A court order could be a way for your girlfriend to formalize your relationship in the eyes of the law.

* Just because Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones are out bidding each other for you to appear on their shows does not make you a bad boyfriend.

* I can feel sad about all of the people starving in China, or I can be happy that they are not spending a fortune on Jenny Craig.

* I call out to my higher power to show me the error of my ways, give me the guidance so I do not repeat my mistakes, and the right words so that I can talk my way out of this ticket.

* I can have my cake and eat it too, and not feel so guilty about the inches it will put on my butt.

* Having sex on the first date does not make me "easy" it just makes me "user friendly."

* I should live each day as if it is to be my last, but that doesn't mean at the end of each day I should pants my boss and punch him or her in the face for being such a moron.

* Even a moron can make a good decision. My boss might be a moron, but that moron signs my paycheck each week.

* When I play Solitaire on the computer I am not screwing off. I am building hand to eye coordination.

* I will remember to blow kisses and mouth out the words, "I LOVE YOU" to everyone I cut off in traffic today.

* I may not like the sight of it, but Stevie Wonder sure would.

* Revenge is a dish best served cold, but an appetizer of hot wings and some RITZ Crackers and Cheez Whiz with a little sprig of parsley on the side, it really hits the spot.

* If my drinking problem only surfaces when my spouse complains, then it could be classified as only a localized problem and not a full scale actual problem.

* The main reason why my boss is complaining about the fact that I am hung over is that they do not have a life of their own. I should show pity on their life and not anger because the yelling is hurting my brain.

* Just because the cops do it, doesn't make it legal or right.

* What my neighbor didn't catch me doing in his yard is not going to kill me.

* My neighbor is not lazy, he just doesn't want to pick up the dog poop his dog left in my yard. I am not being antagonistic by leaving it in the front seat of his Subaru, I just want him to know that unlike the apples that dropped in my yard, I do not want to share the rest of his toys posessions.

* Good fences make good neighbors and good electric fences really make good neighbors, their dogs and their kids stay the hell out of my yard.

* Cheaters never win. Even if I have to fix it so they don't.

* Nobody likes a crybaby. Especially when they just paid $9.00 to watch a film in a movie theatre.