Funny One Liners 4

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be darn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; If he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people

God gives every bird its food, But he does not throw it into its nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.